Addiction Alchemy

Going Beyond Sobriety

I'm glad I have this place to come to and be honest.

After being away from my other recovery forum for a couple months, I logged on to see if I had any messages. None.

While I didn't expect crocodile tears over me not being there, I admit I thought at least one or two people would notice and send me a line.

But this is why people say "don't go snooping because you are likely to not like what you find."

So on the one hand "ouch" and on the other looks like I made the right decision to leave a community where I was not even noticed let alone valued.

I was as invisible as I felt.

My boyfriend has been drinking...oh just a couple after work now and then...he says...he has to, his job is so stressful...he says. His peragotive.

It looks like our attempt at cohabitation is not working. Drinking was a stated and agreed upon deal breaker.

If he does not adopt a program or get into therapy pronto, I will be moving soon. Don't know where, but I can't stay here if he is drinking, may as well get a jump start on a better life now than wait around until things deteriorate further, and I've wasted more time and energy.

Meanwhile my mind is still a confused blur, I do the next right thing, I think.

I'm not getting anywhere fast.

One cannot force spiritual growth. Listening to 100 guided meditations doesn't fix one, nor does lighting a dozen candles, or reading spiritual books. I dont' know what the key is other than to stay open and willing.

Hummingbirds keep flying into the window and stunning themselves, or dying. Yesterday one died. They are fighters you know and I think they hit the window attacking their own reflection, there is a lesson in there somewhere. Something about us needing to be our own best friend.

I'm alone again this weekend. BF has gone away for a three day hike. I think to use it as a retreat and that surely THIS time it will work, but I've used other weekends that way and they either dissintegrate or simply get me nowhere.

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