Going Beyond Sobriety
Back to whine about my relationship with my old recovery forum.
Well, back to whine about my self esteem issues really, the recovery forum is a great place. My jealousy is the issue, they are chugging right along without me.
Indeed I checked into my old account to see if any of my buddies had left messages etc or checked up on me...nope.
So anyway...sadly a regular contributor to the forum used drugs the other day. He posted that 4+ years of sobriety were down the drain for a lousy high.
There were 8 pages (over 100 replies) saying how sorry people were, how proud they were that he admitted it, how loved and treasured he was and how the forum was all there to support him getting right back to recovery etc.
This is truly beautiful and a lovely example of what a recovery forum is about, helping people pick themselves up, brush off, figure out what's going on and get on track again.
The next day he posted "aw shucks guys...." and that yes he's back etc etc...and we were all relieved and thrilled to hear it.
OK, so here is where my jealously and insecurity rears it's head.
I remember posting that I'd relapsed, overdosed etc. It took three days to get a single response and only three responses total.
And when I disappeared from the forum no one checked in or came looking for me.
Now these events are three years apart, not like I went in with some dramatic confession then stormed off in a huff.
But damn, wow, ouch, and WTF?
I am glad that this guy has the friends, support, etc. I am glad that when he said he had used and then went AWOL, a LOT of people went looking for him, told him they hoped he was ok, said "come back, we're here for you" etc.
And I am hurt and sad that I didn't merit even a tiny fraction of that.
dust in the wind.
Now, time for everyone to roll on out the "gotta be able to take care of yourself", "gotta love yourself", etc etc
Yes, it's true. I shouldn't need any of that, I should be self actualized and on top of it, and feeling so snug in the palm of God's hand that I am glad that no one pays mind to me and puts the attention where it should go, to other people.
But isn't the point of a recovery community to be able to come to them and say "hey, I'm lost, I'm hurting, I'm scared" and have them say they are there for you?
And isn't the point of a relationship to well HAVE a relationship?
My boyfriend started drinking again. I am alone. No, like REALLY alone. I am sad, and scared and tired, and losing hope about what will become of me.
And I would love to be able to turn to a community I was part of for years and say "hey..." but they are busy taking care of other people, who appearantly are more worthy and more valuable to the community. ANd I am so scared that if I went there and said "hey...life is sorta tumbling down round my ears and I feel really alone"...I'd be ignored and feel even more alone.
A few years ago, when I said something about having posted being in need and not getting responded to, one of the moderators told me that I had to understand that people were busy and didn't have time to read every thread.
See...he HAD read the thread, obviously since he took the time to put me in my place, but he hadn't bothered to respond to the "hey, I'm hurting and in need part." he ignored that to tell me to get over myself.
I know I am hyper sensitive to that sort of thing because of my situation growing up. My mom was tired from raising the other kids, so I was not allowed to need attention....I had to get over myself, because couldn't I realize she didn't have time or energy to take care of Me too?
And so it is now with my bf...can't I see that he is tired and doesn't want to spend any time with me? Can't I understand that he spent 3 days hiking alone, and so of course doesn't want to go on a 30 minute walk with me? I mean, what is wrong with me?
yes, indeedy, what IS wrong with me...I know they say another person can't make you feel inferior without your permission. ANd that no one else can erase me...but remind me why I shouldn't erase myself? I don't want to live alone, be alone, not mean anything to anyone, be ever expendable and always an inconvenience.
There I am again, that baby in the crib being told to shut up, mommy was tired and wasn't going to take care of me, but if I didn't shut up on my own, she would shut me up.
Disappear little girl, disappear, leave us alone, take care of yourself, get out of my face, and yes, oh yes...quit yer whinin.
I love this blog, because it never deletes me.