Addiction Alchemy

Going Beyond Sobriety

Back to whine about my relationship with my old recovery forum.

Well, back to whine about my self esteem issues really, the recovery forum is a great place. My jealousy is the issue, they are chugging right along without me.

Indeed I checked into my old account to see if any of my buddies had left messages etc or checked up on me...nope.

So anyway...sadly a regular contributor to the forum used drugs the other day. He posted that 4+ years of sobriety were down the drain for a lousy high.

There were 8 pages (over 100 replies) saying how sorry people were, how proud they were that he admitted it, how loved and treasured he was and how the forum was all there to support him getting right back to recovery etc.

This is truly beautiful and a lovely example of what a recovery forum is about, helping people pick themselves up, brush off, figure out what's going on and get on track again.

The next day he posted "aw shucks guys...." and that yes he's back etc etc...and we were all relieved and thrilled to hear it.

OK, so here is where my jealously and insecurity rears it's head.

I remember posting that I'd relapsed, overdosed etc. It took three days to get a single response and only three responses total.

Wow.

And when I disappeared from the forum no one checked in or came looking for me.

Now these events are three years apart, not like I went in with some dramatic confession then stormed off in a huff.

But damn, wow, ouch, and WTF?

I am glad that this guy has the friends, support, etc. I am glad that when he said he had used and then went AWOL, a LOT of people went looking for him, told him they hoped he was ok, said "come back, we're here for you" etc.

And I am hurt and sad that I didn't merit even a tiny fraction of that.

dust in the wind.

Now, time for everyone to roll on out the "gotta be able to take care of yourself", "gotta love yourself", etc etc

Yes, it's true. I shouldn't need any of that, I should be self actualized and on top of it, and feeling so snug in the palm of God's hand that I am glad that no one pays mind to me and puts the attention where it should go, to other people.

But isn't the point of a recovery community to be able to come to them and say "hey, I'm lost, I'm hurting, I'm scared" and have them say they are there for you?

And isn't the point of a relationship to well HAVE a relationship?

My boyfriend started drinking again. I am alone. No, like REALLY alone. I am sad, and scared and tired, and losing hope about what will become of me.

And I would love to be able to turn to a community I was part of for years and say "hey..." but they are busy taking care of other people, who appearantly are more worthy and more valuable to the community. ANd I am so scared that if I went there and said "hey...life is sorta tumbling down round my ears and I feel really alone"...I'd be ignored and feel even more alone.

A few years ago, when I said something about having posted being in need and not getting responded to, one of the moderators told me that I had to understand that people were busy and didn't have time to read every thread.

See...he HAD read the thread, obviously since he took the time to put me in my place, but he hadn't bothered to respond to the "hey, I'm hurting and in need part." he ignored that to tell me to get over myself.

I know I am hyper sensitive to that sort of thing because of my situation growing up. My mom was tired from raising the other kids, so I was not allowed to need attention....I had to get over myself, because couldn't I realize she didn't have time or energy to take care of Me too?

And so it is now with my bf...can't I see that he is tired and doesn't want to spend any time with me? Can't I understand that he spent 3 days hiking alone, and so of course doesn't want to go on a 30 minute walk with me? I mean, what is wrong with me?

yes, indeedy, what IS wrong with me...I know they say another person can't make you feel inferior without your permission. ANd that no one else can erase me...but remind me why I shouldn't erase myself? I don't want to live alone, be alone, not mean anything to anyone, be ever expendable and always an inconvenience.

There I am again, that baby in the crib being told to shut up, mommy was tired and wasn't going to take care of me, but if I didn't shut up on my own, she would shut me up.

Disappear little girl, disappear, leave us alone, take care of yourself, get out of my face, and yes, oh yes...quit yer whinin.

I love this blog, because it never deletes me.

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Comment by Eiere on June 4, 2014 at 10:03am

I appreciate your comment and I am glad that things turned around for you like that.

We are all a work in progress.

I don't know what to say about the other bit. I feel like I have done quite a bit of work in that area thought obviously not enough work or I guess these things would not be happening. I don't know what THE key or answer is that will turn things around for me.

I have put a lot of energy, effort into that process, and that not working, did the letting go, acceptance, mindfulness thing. And the archetype thing, and journaling, etc etc, you get the idea.

I have no idea why some people "get" it, or fall into it, or ascend to it, and how, if one doesn't seem to be one of those people, one transforms into one of those people.

I just don't know. I've taken the advice of many people who did "get it", but I understand this is more than advice and surely not something that someone can give to someone else.

I truly don't know.

Anything I say always comes off as me trying to defend being this way, and I am not, I am actually asking people who do "get it" what their experience was. I know mine cannot,. will not be the same as theirs, but I want to know what theirs was just the same.

What does taking care of me mean? I feel like I"ve done that, or whatever version of that I've been able to do.

Sometimes, this is how it feels to me. People who have themselves and their lives together tell me that this or that is the issue for me, and that this or that will change things for me. And because I respect then and see that they have themselves and their lives together (in a spritual sort of way, not talking about a big house etc) I explore the thiings they suggest. And I don't get the result they get, and then we start the "well, did you try this? Did you do this? Did you let go of this?"

I feel like I"ve dont it to the best of myability at the time, and of course that is subject to change.

It all comes back down to "well of course it didn't work, you didn't do it right, long enough, hard enough, with an open enough mind, with enough determination, with no expectations, with too many expectations..."

And it's impossible to know if tha tis true or not. If the proof is in the pudding, then no, I guess I didn't find the right balance of all the elements to bring about whatever change it is that I need to bring about.

And mental illness is never a valid explanation, it's always considered an excuse, a crutch, a cop out....because truly spiritual people don't experience mental ilness because their souls are where they should be.

So I guess the mental illness thig is not what is keeping me from reaching that serenity things where I don't need anything or anyone because I've transceded the human experience or something.

I know this sounds angry and sarcastic, but there are some things that cannot be said without coming across that way even if I am truly truly just saying how it feels and what my befuddlement comes from.

I"m not angry or feeling sarcastic right now, I'm feeling lonely (but it's a hge hlep that you responded) and tired, and confused. And a bit panicky. When I feel like I've done my best to listen, learn, take guidance etc and I keep hitting the same wall, I do feel panicky, I wonder what else is there left.

It seems that what is left is obvious to other people, they look at me, talk to me and tell me "this is your problem", and even if I agree and take steps to address it, there it still is.

I dont' call them problems, it's a situation , part of the human experience, not some dire insurrmountable or unique thing.

I did the take care of me thing, and you are right, it did feel weird for awhile. I don't know if it made others want to be moer supportinve or not. I have a lot of me time. I've worked on my art. Meditated, etc etc. Ate what I wanted (I eath healthy) went where I wanted, etc. supported myself. Got clean and sober. It's great. It didn't attract amazing people  into my life were supportive and realized what an amazing person I am, but that was cool, because I was taking care of me. But it was still lonely.

THat's when I got my rabbit. Yeah, he needs me to take care of him in a practical way, but we have a good mutual relationship.

Maybe I want too much and I should be cool with being me with a rabbit.

Maybe my issue IS that I still want community.

Is that it?

I have heard many people say that if you want something the worst thing you can do is want it, or chase it or try to create it because that sends a message of lack out into the Universe and thus you alsways keep the things away from you because unless you say you have it, you will remain in a constant state of wanting and never getting.

One the other hand is the school of deciding what you want and goin after it with confidence and determination.

They both seem effective for different people.

ANyway, I have  a pretty good life, and have gotten many things I wanted and many amazing things I never thought about wanting or having at all. I sad sack a great deal in thie blog, but I have a good life.

I know much of what you observe in me is correct. The issue might be as simple as me not having a clue what "taking care of me" actually means.If one has never really been taken care of, I think one doesn't have a handle on what theat means.

I know that I was told that the fact that I was provided food and shelter was luck on my part, and everything else is gravy. So if I have food and shelter, what else do I think I need? Who do I think I am that I should want or expect anything else, EVEN FROM MYSELF.

Beyond that, what does taking care of me mean? What does that look like or feel like? And how does one learn what that is? where does that come from?

also, I don't think that people betray me. They are doing what you tell me I should do, they are taking care of them. They are putting themselves first, if I get caught in the cross hairs, its beacause I put myself there. Very few times in my life have I actually been betrayed or has anyone put thought or effort into hurting me. Most people aren't that sick and are too busy taking care of themselves to bother putting actual effort into harming those aroud them.

They are doing what I need to do, and you are right, they attract people who want to take care back, and sometimes that person is me.

what do you do when you feel too tired to take care of yourself? What do you do when there isn't anyone to fall back on and say "I'm exhuasted" and all that is left is a blog. I've heard many women say that is when it's time to get a pedicure. No really, they say that because that is what teking care of themselves looks like and feels like, and it works for them. Pedi-CURE...

I have gotten a pedi-cure. I don't know how I was supposed to respond to it. Maybe that's it, I just don't know how to respond. Or my responses are always faulty. I mean, what woman doens't feel spoiled after a pedicure right?

I have a really good friend who hears me, and loves me, and wants good things for me. She said the other day that she wishes she could win the lottery, so at least I wouldn't have to worry about the food/shelter things for awhile while I get the other bits sorted out. That is an amazing friend.

Comment by She Who Weaves The Web on June 4, 2014 at 12:55am

My friend, this blog doesn't have to delete you... because you delete yourself. If you were raised by a narcissist you have alot programming in there,an invisible vibe even that has you eternally barking up the wrong tree. You keep forming betrayal bonds with people who are psychically bound to discount you. I've engaged in a bit of this during my lifetime. I finally got it one day. It was like forehead slap moment... Oh I get it... you, my beloved narcissists get your needs met... come hell or high water... I get it.... though I'd never want to be that unbelievably selfish or encased in my own self-centeredness.. they taught me that no one, not even someone that loves you can take care of you like you can. I guess a realization like that is spontaneous and requires much jaw dropping at the inability to be supportive. So I finally took my attention off of every single other person out there... and paid attention to me... It felt so selfish, weird and strange... it was not all that fun at first... but then shortly I really got into it. And something amazing happened... the better I took care of me... the better other people wanted to take care of me... the more I supported myself... the more support was all around me. I put something else into my vibe... and didn't even realize that it would have that affect. It was remarkable. Now I know,.. if I start getting the short end.. woops... must be falling down on my me-time or focusing too much on other people... time to turn my attention back to me... and attend to the only thiing I really do have some control over.. which is myself.

Take care you. You are worth it. No one else is going to do it. And the universe and that invisible sign on your back that says kick me, ignore me, betray me and dis me... will respond to your new sign... the one that says I take care of me, I matter to this world, and I am worthy of time and attention. Because you are, because you are alive.

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